I know I’m fine. You think I’m fine. The ticking of the clock says it’s the right time The world is spinning yet for me time has stood still. All I hear is a deafening silence The shakiness of my hands. The sweat on my palms, pleading for help. The want to talk but can’t explain how I really feel. The caffeinated brain thinking about everything I have ever done wrong.
I’m hallucinating. I fight with the urge of not living.
Seeing everyone around doing right. I feel so handicapped.
The increasing heart beat. The shortness of breath. Not knowing how long it will last. Not knowing if I will survive it. But I will and I do. I’ve survived this before I’ve survived fear in every form. I am a fighter a thinker, a dreamer.
I may not smile in every family picture nor participate in every gathering. But I still yearn for your loving hug. I wait for you to ask me how I’m feeling. I need to be understood without saying a word. They say your family knows you best but do they know me when I put on a mask of peace? The confusion in my mind is it only mine to be dealt with?
I don’t want to get up everyday and get dressed not because I’m tired nor cause I’m moody. I don’t want to because I’m mentally exhausted. I’m tired of fighting the battles in my head and with the real world. But I feel like I’m losing. The light at the end of the tunnel seems far. The journey is taking too long.
I sit at the edge of bed, awake into the night looking at the darkness, waiting for it to absolve me. I want to vanish as if I never existed. Knowing how I feel and being unable to help myself is the worst feeling in the world. The emptiness continues to stay within the confines of my soul. I try my best to keep it caged, but there are days when it creeps out and suffocates me with its strength.
Those are days that make me realize,
I need help.
Trust me i’m not over reacting. All I need is someone to listen to me. Listen to rant, listen to me laugh and to listen to me cry.